For example, imagine that you are texting a friend and he invites you for coffee tomorrow morning. Now imagine that tomorrow was the day you wanted uninterrupted time for yourself: no plans, no people, just a day for yourself. Would you decline or accept the invitation?

If you were to accept the invitation, even reluctantly, you are certainly not alone. In fact, 77% of people are afraid to reject others simply out of fear of possible negative consequences – according to a September 2024 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. But the study’s findings suggest these fears may be largely unfounded.

This is why, according to psychological research, saying “no” is nothing to fear.

How rejection was measured

The study’s lead authors, Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, sought to understand why so many people are hesitant to decline invitations. In their words they assumed that, probably, “invitees– those who are invited by someone to do something – overestimate how negative inviters– those who make the invitation – respond to declining invitations.”

To test this hypothesis, they conducted five separate experiments. In the first case, participants were asked to imagine that they were inviting or being invited to a museum. They were then asked to imagine the negative consequences of declining the invitation – or if their invitation was rejected.

Although the first study was purely hypothetical, the second was a rejection from practice. Romantic partners were assigned as invitees or invited guests. Inviters were required to ask their partner to do something with them, and invitees were instructed to decline the offer – by saying something along the lines of, “I just want to stay home and relax.”

The third, fourth, and fifth studies simulated similar conditions, but with a few twists: participants were asked to imagine their real friends, observers were involved, and participants alternated between the roles of inviter and invitee. After each experiment, Givi and Kirk analyzed the discrepancies between what participants thought the negative consequences of declining the invitation would be and reality.

Why we hesitate to decline invitations

In terms of fear, Givi and Kirk identified several reasons why we are so deeply afraid of saying “no” to others – all of which were reflected in their research results. These reasons include:

• For fear that the inviter will be angry. We often worry that people will resent us if we decline an invitation, whether that’s because they went through the trouble of organizing it or simply because they feel hurt by the rejection.
• For fear that the inviter will assume that we think less of him. Another common fear is that friends or family will assume we don’t care about them if we decline their invitation; Although this is almost never the case, it can still strongly discourage us from saying ‘no’.
• For fear that we might not be invited again. We may even fear that turning down one offer could ruin our chances of getting a deal ever is asked to do something fun again. It’s a catastrophic thought, but also intuitive; we don’t want to be seen as the person who is never available and in turn become the person who is never invited.

As Givi and Kirk explain in their research, “These kinds of questions run through our minds, making it challenging to decline invitations.” They continue: “In some cases, we may even accept invitations that we would rather decline because of these concerns.” However, the results of each of their five experiments suggest that these fears have virtually no basis in reality.

Why you shouldn’t be afraid to say ‘no’

Across all five studies, one consistent finding emerged: We significantly overestimate how negatively inviters will respond when we say “no.” In other words, we are far more concerned about the decline than those on the receiving end are about the rejection. This tendency to overthink is something many of us are guilty of – even researchers themselves.

In an interview with PsyPostGivi shared a personal experience that sparked his interest in the research: “I was invited to a wedding that was a bit of a hassle to go to (it was far away and my partner couldn’t come).” Despite his reservations, he went because he feared the couple would be upset if he didn’t attend. He admitted, “I wondered if I might be exaggerating how upset they would be if I wasn’t there.” His research confirmed that, like many of us, he did indeed exaggerate the potential impact of his decision.

Givi and Kirk attribute this overestimation of negative outcomes to cognitive biases—specifically, to the tendency to give more weight to our own overthinking than to the actual thoughts of others. We often worry that the inviter will fixate on the fact that we said “no,” when he or she is more likely to focus on the reasons why we declined, rather than on the rejection itself.

These findings offer hope to those who struggle with people pleasing. As Givi explains, “Inviters are more understanding than we might expect.” In other words, it’s okay to say “no” every now and then, especially when you need to prioritize yourself. After all, if you were the one to send out the invitation, you would probably understand if someone turned you down. So why not extend the same courtesy to yourself?

Empathy is needed to meet rejection with understanding. Take this science-based test and see how you compare to others: Cognitive empathy scale